Twilight Parody
by Irrevocably Obsessed
Summary: My little parody about Twilight : R & R if you like! :D Rated T for language


**Yeah, so this is really really old . I'm not sure if I followed the story right because I haven't read it in a while . So tell me if I got it wrong... ____**

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-At the airport-

Renée: Oh, Bella! Why do you have to go and leave me here with my soon-to-be-ex-husband?

Bella: Because.

Renée: Because…?

Bella: Because.

Renée: That doesn't tell me why—

Bella: Oooh, my plane's leaving! Bye mom, hope you have a horrible time at the honeymoon!

~Long plane ride~

-At another airport-

Charlie: Hey Bells!

Bella: Who are you?

Charlie: I'm your dad, Charlie!

Bella: Oh. Okay then. Hi, Char—I mean, daddy!!!

Charlie: O-kay, awkward? You haven't changed much.

Bella: Can't say the same for you.

Charlie: Why?

Bella: You've gotten uglier.

Charlie: True.

-In Charlie's police cruiser-

~Awkward silence~

-At Charlie's house-

Bella: Wow. Nothing's changed here.

Charlie: Yeah.

Bella: Damn, it's too green here. Even the dirt is green.

Charlie: Yep.

Bella: Do you always talk small?

Charlie: Mhm.

Bella: Um, okay.

Charlie: I bought you a new car!

Bella: Really? How new?

Charlie: Well, not really new. It only goes up to like 55 mph and has a loud engine. It also has the possibility of blowing up on you at any second.

Bella: Wow my dream car!!

-In Bella's room-

Charlie: Here's your room!

Bella: Wow. I feel so young.

Charlie: Okay now I'm going to go downstairs to watch the game, like I have been for the past two years ever since you stopped coming here!!

Bella: Ehh save it for your free time, dad. Go cry somewhere else. Like what I'm about to do now.

Charlie: Okay have fun! *runs downstairs*

Bella: I hate myself already. *cries self to sleep*

-In the morning-

Bella: I'm scared to go to school. What if there're stalkers there??

Charlie: I'm sure you'll be just fine. There're a lot of them up there. They might, say, gang up on you and—

Bella: Ok, ok, I get it!!!

-At school-

Bella: Wow. I hate it already.

-In hallway-

Eric: Hi I'm Eric. Can I escort you to your next class?

Bella: AHH! STALKER!!! *runs away*

-In Trig-

Jessica: Hey I'm Jessica.

Bella: Are you a stalker?

Jessica: Um…no…?

Bella: Okay let's be friends! *hugs*

-At lunch-

Bella: *stares at Cullens* Who the hell are they?

Angela: The Cullens.

Jessica: They're fans of Alaska and are hot.

Angela: Always stating the obvious…

Bella: Anyway, who are they?

Jessica: I just told you, freakazoid!!

Angela: Shut up. Their names are Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and Edward.

Bella: Edward is hot.

Angela: I bet he smokes.

Jessica: He's staring at you.

Bella: Is he a stalker, too?

-In biology-

Bella: Hi, I'm Bella.

Edward: Screw you.

Bella: What the hell?

Edward: Piss off.

Bella: Okay, sheesh. Don't get your boxers tied in a knot. *whispers* If you have any on…

Edward: I heard that.

Bella: How could you hear that??

Edward: *stares with black eyes*

Bella: *shuts up*

~Edward is gone for like a week~

Bella: I miss Edward.

Mike: I'm sure he doesn't miss you.

Bella: Go make some other girl puke, Newton.

Mike: Ouch.

-In biology-

~Edward is back, yayyyyyy~

Edward: Sorry I was so bitchy last week. I'm Edward. You're Bella?

Bella: *gasps* Wow you're talking to me. Yeah I'm Bella.

Edward: Okay Isabella.

Bella: Just Bella.

Edward: I know, Staci.

Bella: What the hell??

Edward: You're so fascinating.

-In port Angeles-

~Stalkers come~

Stalker 1: Come on, hang out with us! We have fresh milk and cookies!

Bella: AHH!! RAPISTS!! AHH!! HELP!!

Edward: I hear their thoughts!!! Get in the damn car, for cryin' out loud!!! *scares them away*

Bella: Fine. *gets in car* Wait, how did you find me?

Edward: I can smell you from a mile away.

Bella: Is it good or bad?

Edward: I'm not talking to you. *cough*bad*cough*

Bella: Wow, Angela is right. You _do_ smoke.

-At the restaurant-

Edward: I'm taking you to dinner. Anything you want?

Bella: You.

Edward: What??

Bella: Umm mushroom ravioli. Yumm.

-In the car driving to Bella's house-

Bella: Slow down!!!

Edward: Screw you. If we crash, which we won't, I'll walk away while you slowly die a painful death.

Bella: Sounds good to me.

~Awkward silence~

Edward: So did you figure out that I'm a vampire yet?

Bella: Nope. But with two more minutes of thinking I'll figure it out.

~two minutes pass~

Bella: HOLY BUTTFUDGE YOU'RE A VAMPIRE!!!

Edward: Are you afraid?

Bella: Nope.

Edward: You're weird.

Bella: You're a vampire, and you're calling _me_ weird.

Edward: I hate you.

Bella: Go to hell.

Edward: Already there, Bella.

-In forest-

Bella: Poser.

Edward: Why are you calling me that?

Bella: Look. We have similar clothes on.

Edward: So?

Bella: Never mind. Let's go.

-In forest-

Bella: It's even worse than I thought.

Edward: Yeah. Nothing but trees and grass and microscopic bugs that only I can see.

Bella: Wow, you make me feel special.

-In meadow-

Edward: *strips shirt off and goes in sunlight* Look at me sparkle! *strikes a pose*

Bella: Show off.

Edward: Aren't you supposed to be dazzled by my abs?

Bella: Oh yeah, right. *faints*

~one hour later~

Edward: Bella, can you hear me?

Bella: No. Go away.

Edward: *laughs* Here, maybe a run around the forest will wake you up.

-Edward grabs Bella, puts her on his back, and runs like crazy-

Edward: So did you—holy crow, your hair looks windblown.

Bella: No shit, Edward. Put me down before I punch you.

Edward: *puts her down* Brave, yet stupid. You'd crush your hand.

Bella: Whatever.

Edward: So, what do you want to do?

Bella: Hmm…oohh I know! See how far you can throw me across the forest with your super vampire strength!

Edward: Okay! *throws Bella* Woo, look at her go! *fake yawns* Okay this is boring. *runs away*

Bella: Holy shit, Edward! That was _AWESOME!_ LET'S DO IT AGAIN! ….Edward…? Where the hell did he go??

Edward: Grr. Fine I'll go back… *runs to Bella* So, how far?

Bella: Well…I'd say about…40 miles.

Edward: I counted 40.3 miles.

Bella: Damn you and your vampire accuracy.

Edward: Already damned, Bella.

~A few hours later~

Edward: I wanna try something. *kisses Bella*

Bella: *faints*

Edward: Does this girl eat at _all_?

Bella: *wakes up* Edward, I have a question. Why don't you just kill me and drink my blood?

Edward: You're too special for that.

Bella: I thought you hated me.

Edward: That's what YOU think.

Bella: I bet I taste good.

Edward: I highly doubt that.

Bella: Why?

Edward: The thought of it makes my stomach turn.

Bella: I thought your stomach didn't work.

Edward: *sighs and looks down* Exactly my point…

-At Cullen house-

Alice: Hey, I'm Alice!

Jasper: *keeps his distance*

Bella: AHH! STALKER!!!!

Edward: No, Bella, this is my 'sister' Alice.

Alice: Hi, Bella! *hugs Bella*

Bella: AHH! RAPIST!!

Alice: What the silly shit is wrong with her?

Edward: She's had bad experiences.

Bella: Have not!

Emmett: *comes from behind Bella* Yo, Bella!!

Bella: HOLY POPTART!!! *clings to ceiling*

Alice: I see… *grabs Bella and gasps* Wow. I need to take you shopping. You need new clothes.

Edward: Just take them off.

Alice and Bella: HUH?!?

Edward: Nothing.

Emmett: *rides skateboard into room with a ballerina tutu on* WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Edward: *points to Emmett* That never leaves this room.

Bella and Alice: *stares at Emmett as he does a kick flip out the window*

-In Edward's room-

Bella: Wow. This is a dump.

Edward: Quit talking shit on my room.

Bella: There's not even a bed. How do you get it on without a bed??

Edward: I have my ways. And I can't sleep.

Bella: Damn it.

-At the clearing-

Bella: Where the hell did you take me?

Edward: We're going to play baseball.

Bella: Cool! Wait, vampires play baseball?

Edward: Yes. But I'm the hottest, so I play the best.

Bella: You're very self-conscious, aren't you?

Edward: Yes I am. And you're not.

Bella: That's what YOU think.

Edward: Quit stealing my lines.

Emmett: *does the skateboard thing again, only with a baseball bat in his hand* OH YEAHHHHHHH!

Edward: He has problems.

Bella: That scares me a bit.

Edward: Shit. There are other vampires here and the ugly one is after you.

Bella: I thought all vampires were beautiful.

Edward: Nope. Just me.

Bella: True.

Alice: Sorry to just barge in on your small talk, but I want some cheese. GIVE ME SOME DAMN CHEESE BEFORE I EXPLODE, BITCHES!!!!

Bella: You drink blood. You don't eat cheese.

Edward: Go get your own damn cheese. *kicks Alice with super vampire strength* So, where were we? Oh yeah, James is out to kill you. And probably will kill you.

Bella: You're so reassuring.

-In Ballet studio-

James: This was too easy.

Bella: Just kill me already, god.

James: You mom's not here.

Bella: WHAT?!? I come all the way out here for _nothing_.

James: Yes, that was the plan. *gets out video recorder and tapes everything*

Bella: What's that for?

James: So I can show Edward how I killed you.

Bella: You have issues.

James: Oh really? *pushes Bella into glass wall*

Bella: Okay I see your point.

James: I'm so posting this on YouTube.

Bella: What's next? You're going to juggle my dismembered body parts?

James: It would make it more entertaining. But, no, I was going to do this. *breaks Bella's leg* But, actually, I had that in mind…

Bella: Go to h—oh, never mind…

James: Shouldn't you be fainting now?

Bella: Oh yeah. *faints*

James: *bites Bella*

Edward: YOU BITCH! *kills James* Bella!

Bella: GAHH MY HAND IS BURNING LIKE TOAST THAT CHARLIE MAKES!!!

Edward: I know that, dumbass. I've been through it before. Wait, since when does your dad cook for you?

Bella: Very seldom.

Edward: Hmm.

Bella: Dude, this hurts!! This is like burning yourself with a hair straightener!!

Edward: Again, I know what it feels like. God, you're so difficult…

Alice: You have to suck the venom out or its game over.

Edward: Damn you and your idiotic terms. And where the hell did you come from?

Alice: Your mom.

Edward: Your mom's mom!

Bella: Um, guys?

Alice: Don't be talkin' shit on my grama!! Your mom's mom's sister's aunt's cousin's brother's sister-in-law's dad's mom's grandfather's son's fish's dog's iguana's half-brother!!

Edward: I hate you _all_! *groans*

Alice: Temper, Edward, _tem-per_!

Edward: Shut up, you damn pixie.

Bella: Uh, guys…

Alice: Why don't you just make me?

Edward: I could have a long time ago. But I'm too nice for that.

Alice: Aww, I knew you loved me! *hugs Edward*

Bella: Guys?!

Edward: Gahh! Get the hell off of me!

Alice: God, fine…kill joy…

Bella: Um, guys…girl in pain here?!?

Alice: Just do it, Edward, or my vision will come true.

Edward: Screw you. *kicks Alice again* Bella, I really hope you don't die.

Bella: You're so reassuring, even in my darkest hour.

Edward: You're always in your darkest hour.

Bella: AHH IT BURNS!

Edward: Quit your whining. *sucks venom out* Shit I can't stop.

Bella: *lays there dying* Edward, I will haunt you forever if you kill me. *faints again*

-In hospital-

Bella: *wakes up* Mom, go away.

Renée: *walks away*

Bella: Edward, am I a vampire?

Edward: Nope.

Bella: Damn.

Edward: You want to be a monster?

Bella: Yes. I wanna scare little kids away at Halloween.

Edward: *sighs* I didn't think I would stop. And I didn't want to. You taste good, Bella.

Bella: Told you…

Edward: Alice kept bugging me saying she wanted to still play dress up with you, do your hair and makeup, take you shopping, and do your birthday party this year so I can push you—

Bella: Nobody's supposed to know that until the next book!

Edward: Damn, fine. But anyway, it got annoying, so I stopped. And because you said you'd haunt me forever. *shudders* That would be horrible because of obvious reasons…

Bella: I hate you, Edward!

Edward: I hate you too!

Alice: I love you guys! *gives bone crushing hug to both of them*

Edward: I still don't know how you do that.

~There is a loud snap~

Bella: Well, there goes my leg again…

-At Prom-

Jacob: Bella, my dad paid me twenty bucks to come tell you to break up with Edward. To you comply?

Bella: No, not really.

Jacob: Damn. *walks away* At least I get my money.

Edward: This is gay. But I didn't want you missing out on this. I'd say it was a sacrifice.

Bella: You've been to like sixty of these.

Edward: Yes, I have, and this is the most boring.

Bella: Again, you're so reassuring.

Edward: Want to dance so we can make this life a bit easier?

~they dance~

Bella: Edward, I want to live with you forever.

Edward: The thought of that also makes my inactive stomach turn.

Bella: Bite me, Edward.

Edward: Not if your life depended on it. Shit, I just gave a foreshadowing.

Bella: Oh well. I'll just wait until then.

Edward: Not if your clumsiness kills you first.

Bella: So reassuring…

Edward: Will you stop saying that?!

Bella: No, probably not.

Edward: Goddammit.

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**...Hmm. Well it's not that great, but tell me what you think anyway. I'm probably going to make more of these.**

**I'm not that funny :/**


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